The FirstEver Spectacular Stephie Awards!
by Hermione W. Cullen
Summary: Reader-interactive awards-show-slash-parody. Categories such as "Worst sudden character turnaround," "Best Verbal Smack-Down By a Twilight Character," and "Skankiest Character." You vote by review, I parody the winners!
1. Worst Turnaround

And now, live from St

And now, live from St. Louis, we proudly present the first-ever…

**STEPHIES!!**

We at the Stephies have undertaken the sacred task of awarding the best (and worst) moments in the works of Stephenie Meyer. The categories and nominees will be time-released; the only way to choose the winners is for you, the reader, to vote in your review! Get ready; the fate of this fic rests in your hands!

Remember, each category winner will have a parody chapter dedicated solely to dramatizing it (kinda like those clip montages at the Oscars), so choose wisely! I'm only releasing one category at a time—that way, everyone who wants to vote will have a chance to. After the last category is released, I'll start to announce the winners (and include the parodies, of course)!

AND THE FIRST CATEGORY IS…

Worst sudden character turn-around

A. Jacob in _Breaking Dawn_

-The werewolf's famous character change came when he, without reason or warning, suddenly imprinted on Renesmee, Bella's poorly named half-human vampling. Suddenly, he is positively chummy with his vampire now-no-longer-competition. This is a character turnaround if ever I've seen one!

B. Kyle in _The Host_

-He hates Souls the entire book. Hate hate hates them. Tries to kill Wanda in the book…multiple times. Thinks they're monsters because they have taken over the body of his love. But then…he falls in love with the Soul who has taken over the body of his love. Then he decides Wanda is his best friend. This is what we at the Stephies call a "WTF?! Moment."

C. Rosalie in _Breaking Dawn_

-"I hate you, Bella. I hate you because you are a stupid, whiny, imperceptive and weak bitch who doesn't know a good thing when she sees it." That is Rosalie's general attitude toward Bella for the first three books. Then, all of the sudden: "OMG you're having a baby? SISTER!!" If you weren't scratching your head, you weren't paying enough attention.

D. Alice in Breaking Dawn

-She left. Without telling them why. Or when or if she'd be back. Or that there was hope. And then she left Bella the means to angst herself to death for the next three chapters. Is this the Alice I've come to know and love?

There's your first category. Vote, vote, vote!


	2. Most Oversimplified

Thank you all for your overwhelming response to the first category of the Stephies

Thank you all for your overwhelming response to the first category of the Stephies! We're just rakin' in the votes…if you voted last time, we ask that you keep voting for new categories, and if you're a newcomer, feel free to vote for categories that are already posted…voting is open until the parodies start coming!

Without further begging for the "get-off-the-stage" music, I now present the second category of the first-ever Stephie awards…

_**Twilight**_** Character Most Oversimplified in Fanfiction**

Edward Anthony Mason Cullen

-Read that name aloud. I bet you just swooned a bit. The majority of _Twilight_ fans feel exactly the same way you do; most _Twilight_ fanfics are either shameless-Mary-Sue-through-Bella or thirty chapters' worth of second-rate descriptions of Edward's hotness. If it's not that, it's a half-baked comedy in which Edward is portrayed as…overprotective, moody and tortured. While this may be accurate, we still will not stand for this. What's fanfiction for, if not to give Edward some character?

Rosalie Hale

-The way Rosalie is characterized in most fanfics (including mine): Bella-hating mortality-obsessed baby-hugging bitch. Or narcissistic/egomaniacal siren obsessed with having human boys obsessed with her. I bet you could open a random fanfic and, without looking, quote most of her lines in said fic with at least fifty percent accuracy. Fanfiction Rosalie is criminally predictable.

Mary Alice Brandon Cullen

-"OMG BELLA YOU AND EDWARD ARE SO CUTE TOGETHER HE'S AN IDIOT FOR BEING SO EMO I TALK FAST BECAUSE I DON'T NEED TO BREATHE LET'S GO SHOPPING AND DO MAKEOVERS!" Yes, that's a direct quote.

Emmett Cullen

-Emmett: the lovable sex fiend of a big brother (though he's the youngest) that uses hokey language to make cheesy jokes, laughs like a drunk hyena, and generally finds ways to (lovably, in a teddy-bearish sort of way) embarrass the hell out of Bella, fictional daughter of a Mormon mastermind.

Esme Cullen

-One word: Cookies.

There you have it: your contestants for the category. Now vote!


	3. Best Verbal Smackdown

Thanks for all the votes, guys

Thanks for all the votes, guys! Time for a new category…

**Best Verbal Smackdown by a **_**Twilight**_** Character**

Edward to Jacob in _Eclipse_

The entire book, the Chapter 22 tent scene in particular. "Hey Jacob! How's your love life going? Oh, you're pining after Bella? Well, remember that time she agreed to marry me? IN YO FACE!" Or…something like that.

Jacob to Rosalie in _Breaking Dawn_

"How do you drown a blonde?" Despite the utter-crapness of BD, that one was hella classic. It was so hard to hate the mutt….

Alice to Rosalie in_ New Moon_

Well, Alice to anybody any time she's annoyed with them. But this one in particular. I'm paraphrasing here, but the gist of it is: "And you're just like, oh, Bella jumped off a cliff, the wisest course of action is DEFINITELY to call Edward and blab! He definitely won't do anything stupid! Well, NEWSFLASH: He DID do something stupid! Didn't see that one coming, did you? But you know who could have? ME!

Garrett to Volturi in _Breaking Dawn_

"What's that, Jane? You have the power to cause people severe pain? Well, I have the power of AWESOMENESS! And now I'm going to give a great Revolutionary War-inspired speech to prove it!" Did I mention Garrett is my hero? Or that I want to BE Kate? Sigh…


	4. Skankiest Character

We at the Stephies would like to apologize for our laziness. We have been meaning to get another category up, and here it is…

Skankiest Character in a Stephenie Meyer Book

Bella

"You make me feel like the villain in a melodrama." That's because you are, dear. Just because you're a girl doesn't mean what you're doing is acceptable. Pressure poor Edward to have sex before he's ready. He's had 108 years to get used to not having it, so you just let him take his time.

B. Kyle in The Host

"Jody, I love you, and I will slaughter the thing that took over your brain." "Sunny, I love you, even though you're the thing that took over Jody's brain." K-L-A-S-S-I-E.

Rosalie

Flaunts her sex appeal. Um, Emmett. Um, is Rosalie. 'nuff said.

Emmett

Is totally a man-whore. Plus, um, Rosalie. 'nuff said.

Well, what d'you think? Did we get all the most likely contenders down? Vote vote vote vote vote! Only a few more categories to go!


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